I haven’t blogged in a really long time. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of extra time for things like that. However, I’ve been feeling this building today and so here I am.
Many of you know that we are in the waiting time for the adoption process a second time. We have been waiting this time for just over two years, which is about average. We have met with three different expectant and/or recent moms over the course of the past couple of years. The first mom was so gracious but ended up going with another family. The second ultimately decided to parent and we are happy for them. That brings us to the third mom.
We met her in August, and she had made an adoption plan for her baby girl. We had a few meetings with her and felt at peace about the situation, eager to adopt this little one due in November. Unexpectedly, we received news yesterday that this precious baby girl had passed away. Our hearts are broken for ourselves and this precious mother. Baby girl, you were so wanted and so loved. Our hearts were ready for your arrival, but it was not to be.
This has brought up a question in my mind. Is my grief valid? You see, I didn’t carry this beautiful child inside my body. I only loved her from afar. I had what we call in the adoption world a “paper pregnancy.” I tracked her growth from week to week. We told a few people but mostly carried her in our hearts.
In the two months that we anticipated her arrival, I prayed over her. I shopped for her. I cherished the thoughts of her. Because she wasn’t yet my child, I questioned whether I should feel the grief that I was feeling. Did I have a right to grieve her loss? And the answer is yes. I grieve for the little girl that I will never hold. I will never rock her to sleep or tell her stories, tie her shoes or wipe her nose.
Am I mad at God? No. I trust Him. I know that He is sovereign and that He knows best. He is worthy of my worship and praise no matter what. Because He is God! My tears are precious to Him, and I pour them out before Him in a sacrifice of praise. Because sometimes worship and praise is a sacrifice. But my circumstances and my feelings don’t change who He is.
Do I understand why this happened? No, I don’t. But I do know that we were supposed to connect with this precious mother. I pray that as we grieve together that our lights will shine brightly for Jesus. If you think of it, please help us pray over this beautiful mother that she will find the comfort and peace that only Jesus can bring.
Since we live so far away from our families, we haven’t been able to receive the love and hugs in person from them. They are of course supportive and are hurting for us. But the body of Christ has stepped up big time!
The director of the adoption agency prayed with us over the phone when they called to tell us the news. I met with beautiful friends this morning and they loved on me over coffee. A couple of other sweet friends asked if they could share in order to support us with prayer. Another precious lady stopped by with a gorgeous pink rose to commemorate the life of this beautiful baby and to support us with prayer and hugs. My heart can’t help but be thankful for these genuine expressions of the love of Christ.
I am comforted by the knowledge that though I will never hold her in this life, Jesus is holding her far better than I ever could. She is precious in His sight. She will never know pain or heartache because she is with the One who created her. I look forward to meeting her someday in Heaven.
That brings me back to grief. It’s okay to grieve and feel loss. I wondered what to do about the clothing we had purchased especially for her. I could take it back, but it doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure what I will end up doing with it, but for now it remains in my closet. I may end up donating some things to the Christian agency in town that helps pregnant moms that are in trouble. I know that I need some time to process what happened. I also know that God will be with me every step of the way because that’s who He is. He is always faithful. My name is written in the palm of His hands. He carries my burdens because He loves me. In my weakness, He is strong. He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.